Labor of Love

"But the baby in her womb
He was the maker of the moon
He was the Author of the faith
That could make the mountains move"

Christmas means...

So, recently I haven't really had much to say. Okay, I take that back, I always have something to say but nothing lately that is blog worthy or anything I am able to put into words. So many times the thoughts come but somehow are unable to make the leap from mind to fingers to page, but in honor of the Christmas spirit and the fact that this blogs title contains the word "christmas" I am making an effort at blogging before the holiday is actually here.

Christmas tradition of ornaments on ears

This Christmas has been one that hasn't really been stressful for me because of this nice little thing called the internet. I'm not a fan of shopping except at outdoor stores like Rock Creek, Bass Pro Shops, etc. Since everything was bought online and there's no stress about Christmas shopping, it has given me a chance to think about the meaning of Christmas and to notice what's going on around me instead of focusing on completing shopping. This evening I went shopping with Wesley and it hit me. All the hustle and bustle but no one really focuses on the meaning of Christmas. Materialism... I'm so tired of seeing it pop into my life, yet I feed into it every Christmas and somehow it overwhelms what Christmas really means. My family is the greatest but we have way to many presents. This is nice but way overdone. Lovely, but unnecessary. Don't get me wrong I love Christmas and it's definitely my favorite holiday with all the colorful artsy lights, decorated trees, crisp cold weather, wassail, holiday cheer etc. There's nothing wrong with buying presents and seeing the joy of the person who opens them. I love that. It's truly a time when traditions and family mean the most to me but somehow over the years I have lost the true meaning. Of course I know what it means but I haven't taken it in deep inside my heart, internalized it and then let its influence play out in my life.



The true, precious meaning of Christmas where the best gift was given to this earth in the small vernix covered, bloody baby package sent to us by God himself. A true sacrifice for a perfect Father to send an innocent little baby into a sin filled world that would reject Him and even turn his birthday into a materialistic mess where, by most people, He would be forgotten. His sinless life always an example for those who listen. I also think of Mary, what a heavy burden it must have been to be labelled by her community as an adulteress. We believe now but certainly those around her wouldn't believe. Would you believe the story if it happened today? It's a pretty crazy story. To her though it was worth all the ridicule and torture just to carry the Son of God. What an immense privilege to be carrying our Gift. Would I be willing to stand up against all odds to carry such a Gift? Am I willing now to stand up for what I believe about Christ, His birth/soon coming and not let the influence and ridicule of the world around penetrate through to my core? What if I missed out on the best gift ever? The gift of seeing God face to face, visiting with Him in a perfect world where babies don't die, little girls aren't sold as slaves, where cancer doesn't eat the body from the inside out. What if I missed out? The thought brings tears to my eyes. Worse yet what if the precious Gift that God sent hadn't won the victory and the entire world was lost forever into Satan's grinchy hands. See what Christmas is about? Jesus won the victory and as a gift we get eternity. Is there any better gift than that? Nope.

Travels

My feet are itching to explore. Friends are taking trips across country, through Europe, to the great unknown wherever that may be. Honestly, I am so jealous. Not kill someone jealous but sad jealous. Exploring places discovered long ago, making memories in new places with new people. Sigh... I love Collegedale but it is time to get out. No more happy valley for me, give me a mountain to climb and explore, make me work hard but enjoy every minute of the journey. Here's what I would like to do if loans weren't in the way. I would save up money for a few months and then promptly quit my job. First, I would wander my way through Canada, exploring where my grandmother grew up. Then my wandering, itching feet would take me to Romania to see where my ancestors lived.

Scotland would be next, to find my clan with the head on a sword (long story), soon after this would follow Iceland and Greenland. England would happen for sure to visit my family there. Sweden to visit more friends. Australia to chill with the Bonellos and kangaroos. The list goes on and I want to see it all. The magnificent mountains of Pakistan, the endless deserts of Arabia. Spain, to learn spanish with a lisp.

 To get lost in the towering Alps with nothing but
wilderness around me. Skiing, snowboarding,
hiking, photographing, running, sleeping, camping, canoeing, laughing my way around the world. But alas, reality calls and with it the realization that six inductions and three c-sections await me tomorrow at work, so sleep must happen.

Galaxies

"Oh telescope, keep an eye on my only hope

Lest I blink and get swept off the narrow road

Hercules you've got nothing to say to me cause you're not the guiding light that I need.

For He is the saving grace of the galaxies !

Dear God I was terribly lost when the galaxies crossed and the sun went dark

But dear God you're the only North star I would follow this far"

*Owl City*

Vibrato

I love my brother. Who else would could I practice singing "I Dreamed A Dream," harmonizing or whistling with? All of which are quite epic failures. Especially the whistling. We have great times. Moe runs, watching Rhett & Link, foraging for food in the kitchen at random hours and listening to Owl City in Monique with the bass all the way up through Collegedale. My preferred music to listen to through Collegedale, with the windows down, is scottish music. Wes hasn't quite gotten comfortable with this yet. Work in progress I'd say. Hopefully him reading this will do the trick. ;-) We have travel plans, moments of random silliness that then turn to deep discussion... We are totally ourselves and it's so fun. The list could go on for a while so to sum it up... Siblings, you just gotta love them!

Surah Al-Mu'min

61. It is Allah Who made the night for you to rest in it, and made the day for seeing. Allah is full of grace and bounty to mankind, yet most people do not give thanks.

62. Such is Allah, your Lord, the creator of all things. There is no God but Him. How, then, are you being deluded?

63. Likewise are those who deny the Signs of Allah deluded.

64. It is Allah who appointed for you the earth as a dwelling-place and the sky a canopy over it. and fashioned you and made your shapes beautiful, and has provided you with pure and good things. Such is Allah, your Lord. So, Blessed is Allah, the Lord of the Worlds!

65. He is the Living One. There is no god but Him. So, pray to Him, making religion pure for Him only. Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds!

Absolute Truth

The definition of absolute truth is as follows... an unalterable and permanent fact. Most religions know that they have the truth so, is that their absolute truth? Is there a truth that trumps all? Post modern culture doesn't believe in it. It is pretty much whatever you decide to believe, that is then your truth. I know where I stand but want to hear other peoples opinions. So, do you believe in absolute truth?

Mountain

In desperation she ran. Her lungs gasping for air as she pushed higher and higher. Looking behind her to see how much ground she has climbed, she realized that the switchbacks she has been running had only gained a little altitude. The answer lay ahead, a path running straight up the mountain. Leaving the switchback trail her running slowed to a walk. Body pleading for mercy but upward she climbed.

The desperation pushed her forward without stopping for air. For what seems like hours the girl continued on. Thoughts stream through the creek-beds of her mind searching to find relief so that peace could reign. Pleading with God for answers she climbed further, rocks sliding from under her feet. No answers came. She hardly noticed the chirping birds or the scolding squirrels that added beauty to the colored trees all around her. Soon the forest grew thinner as her slowing steps brought her closer to the mountaintop. Moss lined the trails and she hoped that perhaps the answer lay just over the next rise. 

Finally, the top. Jumping over the rocks she looked for the best place to view the valley. She finds it, a tree that couldn't take the force of the wind, and gingerly made her way along its trunk until she found a semi-comfortable spot. Sitting down she breathed in the wind that swept across the mountain, setting the sun-spotted leaves dancing. 

The valley was not what she expected. Wilderness was really what she was longing for but below her lay roads and subdivisions. An occasional car honk would be brought by the wind, marring the silence that she had been longing for. With a sigh she looked beyond, to the mountains that lay smoky in the distance. Perspective, peace was what she was longed for, not just a beautiful view. She found herself whispering a prayer and the answer came as the wind kissed the tears streaming down her face. An airplane flew by at eye level. She longed to fly away but in a way she was. Flying away from the stress to a place where peace begin trickling in. 

Minutes past and as they sped by peace filled her soul with a smile that reached her lips. The valley below was calling, rejuvenated she hopped off the friendly old tree. Climbing the stones back to the mossy path she glanced back at the view. It was beautiful. Smiling, she trotted back down the trail to what she had been running from. Somehow, in the stillness of nature, she found the answer. Thoughts unclouded she once again knew He was running with her, never to leave her side.

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights." Habakkuk 3:19 

Sequence of an Epic Weekend

Left at 0430 and drove 3 1/2 hours to see a friend graduate at Fort Bennings from basic training in freezing cold temperatures with serious amounts of wind chill. Totally worth it for the band and to see Josh graduate though. 

This band was amazing and so organized, in typical military fashion.

Josh is on the first row on the left. All of their movements are exact and in sync. Crazy!

Just an awesome picture of us awesome friends on the field that had dirt from 17 different battlefields across the U.S. placed there by important people. 

Chaplain McGraw (stationed in Italy & head of chaplains in North Africa) and his fam bam minus a sister!

This picture, though a tad blurry, is my favorite of the very fun day. 

After the 3 1/2 hour trip back that we all slept through, Wes and I went down to dads to carve pumpkins.

Wes digging in the bowels of the poor helpless pumpkin.

My unfinished pumpkin

Wes, dad and my pumpkin (left to right)

On Saturday night, Wesley, Mom, Kenny and I went down to Atlanta to see Matthew Perryman Jones in concert. Molly Parden opened for him and she had a beautiful voice. It was the first time she sang for a sold out crowd. It was unfortunately in a bar but we didn't realize this when we bought the tickets. It was a most interesting experience being in a bar with my 18 y/o brother, mother and her fiance. It was my first time in a bar and hopefully my last. Quite interesting...

Matthew Perryman Jones & Molly Parden at Eddie's Attic

The Sign of the Fish

         In a usual school morning fashion I rolled out of bed, put my hair in a ponytail, ate a bowl of cereal and headed out the door to class. Walking out the door, there before me was something most UNusual. Dangling in the air, suspended by a hook was...  a dead fish. Someone had carefully put it on my mother's bike handlebar beside my purse that was airing out after this last weekends camping expedition. Needless to say, I was throughly grossed out and immediately texted my brother who was in class. He had not seen the unfortunate creature yet and was worried about it's significance. Here is a picture of the poor little fella as evidence that this story is true... 

         Upon reaching class I begin telling my classmates about what I had seen. They all laughed and said that was indeed very strange. I didn't give it much thought until later in the day it begin to nag me. I was positive it was someone I knew quite well because my best friends are all outdoor, ride horses, catch fish, adventure seeking, prank pulling people.  I started questioning Chett, a good friend who was in my first class and had heard the story. He laughed about it but this time he just kept smiling and said that I should ask Ron. The plot thickened when, after texting Ron, I discovered that he found a dead fish on his dorm room door! Chett knew to much so I started pestering him. His response was, "Share your catch with your friends."  I also texted and called Marsh who was next on my list of suspects. His response was, "Well, did you sniff it?" To which I practically fell on the floor in a fit of laughter. Next text, "that's what happens when you sniff a gift fish... random unexplainable things begin to unfold that only fish can control. So, don't sniff it." This sent me into another peal of laughter. Needless to say, I think that the culprits have been found... Marsh and Chett. You pranksters just totally made my day even if it was a sad day for the fish... 

Aslan

This is an excerpt from the Horse and his boy. The imagery is so beautiful and so is the message. It's long but worth reading. 

"I do think," said Shasta, "that I must be the most unfortunate boy that ever lived in the whole world. Everything goes right for everyone except me. Those Narnian lords and ladies got safe away from Tashbaan; I was left behind. Aravis and Bree and Hwin are all snug as anything with that old Hermit; of course I was the one who was sent on. King Lune and his people must have got safely into the castle and shut the gates long before Rabadash arrived, but I got left out."

And being very tired and having nothing inside him, he felt so sorry for himself that the tears rolled down his cheeks.

What put a stop to all this was a sudden fright. Shasta discovered that someone or somebody was walking beside him. It was pitch dark and he could see nothing. And the Thing (or Person) was going so quietly that he could hardly hear any footfalls. What he could hear was breathing. His invisible companion seemed to breathe on a very large scale, and Shasta got the impression that it was a very large creature. And he had come to notice this breathing so gradually that he had really no idea how long it had been there. It was a horrible shock.

It darted into his mind that he had heard long ago that there were giants in these Northern countries. He bit his lip in terror. But now that he really had something to cry about, he stopped crying.

The Thing (unless it was a Person) went on beside him so very quietly that Shasta began to hope he had only imagined it. But just as he was becoming quite sure of it, there suddenly came a deep, rich sigh out of the darkness beside him. That couldn't be imagination! Anyway, he had felt the hot breath of that sigh on his chilly left hand.

If the horse had been any good -- or if he had known how to get any good out of the horse -- he would have risked everything on a break away and a wild gallop. But he knew he couldn't make that horse gallop. So he went on at a walking pace and the unseen companion walked and breathed beside him. At last he could bear it no longer.

"Who are you?" he said, scarcely above a whisper.

"One who has waited long for you to speak," said the Thing. Its voice was not loud, but very large and deep.

"Are you -- are you a giant?" asked Shasta.

"You might call me a giant," said the Large Voice. "But I am not like the creatures you call giants."

"I can't see you at all," said Shasta, after staring very hard. Then (for an even more terrible idea had come into his head) he said, almost in a scream, "You're not -- something dead, are you? Oh, please -- please do go away. What harm have I ever done you? Oh, I am the unluckiest person in the whole world!"

Once more he felt the warm breath of the Thing on his hand and face. "There," it said, "that is not the breath of a ghost. Tell me your sorrows."

Shasta was a little reassured by the breath: so he told how he had never known his real father or mother and had been brought up sternly by the fisherman. And then he told the story of his escape and how they were chased by lions and forced to swim for their lives; and of all their dangers in Tashbaan and about his night among the tombs and how the beasts howled at him out of the desert. And he told about the heat and thirst of their desert journey and how they were almost at their goal when another lion chased them and wounded Aravis. And also, how very long it was since he had had anything to eat.

"I do not call you unfortunate," said the Large Voice.

"Don't you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?" said Shasta.

"There was only one lion," said the Voice."

"What on earth do you mean? I've just told you there were at least two the first night, and --"

"There was only one: but he was swift of foot."

"How do you know?"

"I was the lion." And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. "I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

"Then it was you that wounded Aravis?"

"It was I."

"But what for?"

"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

"Who are you?" asked Shasta.

"Myself," said the voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again, "Myself," loud and clear and gay: and then the third time "Myself," whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it.

Shasta was no longer afraid that the Voice belonged to something that would eat him, nor that it was the voice of a ghost. But a new and different sort of trembling came over him. Yet he felt glad too.

The mist was turning from black to grey and from grey to white. This must have begun to happen some time ago, but while he had been talking to the thing he had not been noticing anything else. Now, the whiteness around him became shining whiteness; his eyes began to blink. Somewhere ahead he could hear birds singing. He knew the night was over at last. He could see the mane and ears and head of his horse quite easily now. A golden light fell on them from the left. He thought it was the sun.

He turned and saw, pacing beside him, taller than the horse, a Lion. The horse did not seem to be afraid of it or else could not see it. It was from the Lion that the light came. No one ever saw anything more terrible or beautiful.

Luckily Shasta had lived all his life too far south in Calormen to have heard the tales that were whispered in Tashbaan about a dreadful Narnian demon that appeared in the form of a lion. And of course he knew none of the true stories about Aslan, the great Lion, the son of the Emperor-beyond-the-Sea, the High King above all kings in Narnia. But after one glance at the Lion's face he slipped out of the saddle and fell at its feet. He couldn't say anything but then he didn't want to say anything, and he knew he needn't say anything.

The High King above all kings stooped towards him. Its mane, and some strange and solemn perfume that hung about the mane, was all round him. It touched his forehead with its tongue. He lifted his face and their eyes met. Then instantly the pale brightness of the mist and the fiery brightness of the Lion rolled themselves together into a swirling glory and gathered themselves up and disappeared. He was alone with the horse on a grassy hillside under a blue sky. And there were birds singing.

The Horse and his Boy ~C.S Lewis

Wedding

       Today marks history's sweetest wedding up to this point, Julie's and Mom's are coming up though. Kristina Dunn, well now Dubs, is probably the worlds sweetest person. Years ago in high school a friend died and she held me for hours while I cried. It was more than just a friend dying though it was tears bottled up that hadn't had a chance to break free yet. When finally they did break free she was there for me. She has made my life more beautiful in so many ways and I am happy beyond words that she has found the man of her dreams.

       One thing that hit me the most at this wedding was that both of them waited. God made it clear to both of them, even though it took a little while, that they were meant for each other. Now, they know that God has placed them together and even when the hard times come they will be reminded that it was God who engineered their romance. What can be more satisfying than knowing that you are where God wants you?

       Waiting is scary but a future with the wrong person is even scarier. Lord, decide who you have for me because I can't choose on my own. Design my romance and please give me the patience to wait...

Direction by Impulse

This is half of a devotional by Oswald Chambers... I read ahead to tomorrows date and man did this hit me, so I'm sharing it. Hope it hits you like it did me.

         "Discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. Walking on the water is easy to impulsive pluck, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is a different thing. Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but followed Him afar off on the land. We do not need the grace of God to stand crises, human nature and pride are sufficient, we can face the strain magnificently; but it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours in every day as a saint, to go through drudgery as a disciple, to live an ordinary, unobserved, ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is inbred in us that we have to do exceptional things for God; but we have not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things, to be holy in mean streets, among mean people, and this is not learned in five minutes."

Beautiful!

I could but won't. Would I really want it when it came down to the line? Probably not ready. This time no impatience. Help! Waiting... it will be worth it. Not convinced.  Lord, give me the patience to wait. You must open the door. Trust... need that as well.

Green Grass/Tall Mountains

"I'm gonna live where the green grass grows

Watch my corn pop up in rows

Every night be tucked in close to you

Raise our kids where the good Lord's blessed

Point our rocking chairs towards the west 

Plant our dreams where the peaceful river flows

Where the green grass grows"

Dreams

Dreams are funny things. Somehow deep down, there are dreams that are channels to our emotions. Yeah, there are some weird ones with wolves that say, "I'm talking to ya, boy" or you are walking down the road with a cougar stuffed in a potato chip bag after the cougar starts chewing on your brother... crazy, but sometimes they are realistic. People you know are there and the conversations you have reach new depths or you realize that someone who has meant the world to you only pops into your dreams as a person who is out to hurt you. Dreams like that bring realizations that maybe, deep down, something different is going on in your brain then what you are trying to convince yourself. Dreams reach into the recesses your feelings and if you can remember them in the morning, bring a new perspective to your life. It may seem crazy but seriously, notice your dreams.

22

Well, I have successfully completed another wonderful year of life. Today, for my birthday, we went out to eat with my family at India Mahal. Mmmm... the best! I pretty much adore my weird family. We sat around the table talking and somehow it ended up turning to facial hair. Random! Then, they sang me happy birthday in the bathroom. I love them so much!
Moving on... as a reminder, (i can't journal) this blog will be looking back my at my 21st year.

*Graduated from SAU with my AS in nursing
*Bought a bright green car
*Colored easter eggs
*Got my sixth henna tatoo
*Wesley graduated from highschool and started college
*Broke up with the boy I thought I would marry
*Mom graduated from SAU (so proud of her)
*Got my first real job at a hospital
*Met Andy Gullahorn & Andrew Peterson
*Face painted
*Ran over 380 miles
*Started cutting my own hair
*Learned the line dance for Cotton-eyed Joe
*My mom got engaged
*Watched my dad battle cancer and as a result give his life completely to God
*Got my first speeding ticket
*Went shooting
*Learned only 2 songs on the piano (very sad)
*Delivered a baby
*Got moved to dayshift (praise God)
*Decided to get my RN First Assist (RNFA)
*Vacationed in BC, California and upstate NY
*Lost my bags on a flight
*Started blogging
*Discovered an awesome brand of clothes
*Dad had brain surgery
*Painted 3 or 4 pictures
*Was a bridesmaid in my best and longest friend's wedding, Julie Fernando (well, Seard now)
*Finally got a new pair of glasses (I had my old ones since 12 y/o)
*Got my first real credit card (for skymiles)
*Illegally got a kitten (Emesis/Emmy). We live in student housing, thus the illegality
*Made some amazing new friends
*Painted checkers on my toes ;-)
*Ran barefoot
*Went line dancing 4 times
*Fell asleep on the beach
*Hammock camped several times
*God has taught me so much about trust and patience
*Got a Costco membership
*Decided to move
*... and countless other things I can't remember at the moment.


Birthdays usually scare me a little because it means being the center of attention. Just ask my brother, he knows exactly how I feel. On the plus side of birthdays, it always reminds me how much I am loved. I really love being loved. Love is one of the top things I am thankful for this birthday! Thanks to all my friends for the birthday texts and messages (cyrus... don't listen to wesley, it was awesome birthday skypeage and I liked it)!

Life is so beautiful! Thanks and much love to my family, friends and God for adding spice/joy to my life. I have had and will continue to have an amazing year/life.

Pain

Pain has so many meanings.  It can be acute, chronic, mental, physical... the list goes on. Pain... it brings out the best and the worst in those it touches. Think back over the times in your life when you have suffered. Each pain has a special way of showing that God is near, if the one suffering will only let Him. It somehow brings out a beauty to life that can only be experienced after the suffering has passed. The little moments are precious. A glance, a whisper, a touch, family, friends... The beauty of pain, if something that tears and rips at your heart can be called beautiful.

To watch another suffer however is far from beautiful. Desperatly searching to find the words that will bring comfort. Deep inside, the pain is more excruciating than can be described.  Comfort and words are hard to come by. Sometimes tears are the only way to communicate that you truly care. Pain is so different when it happens to someone you love. When pain hits you, deep inside you can find the strength to triumph with determination and God, but in others it has to be their choice. You cannot choose to find the beauty of pain for someone else.

Please pray for my family. It hurts so bad to watch someone you love struggling.

Life is beautiful. Never, ever take it for granted.

Running

In advance I apologize for the "flight of ideas" nature of this blog.

Written in California:
This blog I am going to dedicate to running. Preferably the weather would be perfect and the humidity almost non-existent. The late fall weather of Tennessee is usually the perfect weather, though this morning in California the weather was pretty near perfect. Early on, in my beginner days of running, I realized that listening to an ipod was out of the question. My mind wants to think while running and when music is introduced it switches between my thoughts and the music, turning the ole' brain into mishmash. Once that was established, running became my main thinking time and surprisingly many things are resolved during this time.

Written in Tennessee:
In California, the weather was still a bit hot unless you went quite early in the morning. Now fall is coming early to the hills of Tennessee and with it, the desire to be outside even more. Laying in a hammock, horseback riding, hiking, bonfires... the list goes on. Humidity has gone and soon God will paint the leaves with bright magnificent colors. Anways, back to running... Running is fabulous. It clear the mind, lungs, and is just plain good for what ails ya! Here, in Happy Valley, the scent of Little Debbie blueberry muffins can be smelled as you run. Regardless of how good this smells, I am a little resentful. Fresh air is more my forte. The best smell in the outdoors is crisp fall, leaves on the ground, air. It is perfect and sometimes it makes me so excited that giggles pop out. Lately though, work and running have kept my legs screaming obscenities. So this evening, my running buddy and I decided to run barefoot because they say it takes the pressure off of your joints. We ran a mile and a half on grass and another two miles down the Greenway. Now, I am regretting this "great" idea. My calves hurt in places that I had forgotten existed and my feet have blisters under calluses. To be completely honest my legs and the offending knee did not bother me the whole time. At least it's not bone or joint pain. So that is the bright side. Another problem with barefoot running is that sometimes there is duck poop, stones, ants (watch out for fire ant hills) and other nuisances that hinder or altogether stop the runner who usually has to pause to get the offending object off or out of the foot. This could probably be solved with some barefoot shoes which would probably be worth investing in. In conclusion, try running barefoot... it's good for the joints. :-)

"All You Need is Love, Love is All You Need"

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Who wants to be vulnerable? Each relationship is a risk. Friends, animals, strangers, boyfriends, girlfriends... They may not love you in return, they may die or run away, leaving your heart broken. How many times has your heart been broken? Mine has been broken many times but I am still alive and have learned something from each experience, growing stronger. Somehow there is still joy. To be vulnerable, to wait, to trust. To keep loving no matter what happens. God does... Love is beautiful. 




http://www.threadless.com/product/3106/Home_Is_Where_The_Heart_Is_Jules_Farrell

Thunderstorms

         Over the dry sagebrush plains they come. Cowboys cracking their whips as the cattle rumble their way across the lonely hills. The whips reverberate across the land, echoing until the dry landscape seems to shake. The many hooves stir up the dust until the horizon is filled with black angry clouds that pile one on top of the other, pushing until the suns glinting rays can barely be seen. The cattle's horns threaten the riders as they draw near with cracking whips to urge them forward. The diminishing rays of sun glance off the mighty polished horns and twist through the air, snaking into the far distance. With their goal ever in mind the riders continue to drive their charges onward to their destination. The prairie stretches before them, mile by lonely mile they trudge. The cattle's mighty heads began to hang and the horses feet lose their once happy skip.

         Slowly a cool breeze begins to swirl across the parched hills, bringing the scent of water to the thirsty creatures. Their tired feet begin to fly as they pick up speed across the dusty ground. Closer and closer they come to where each traveler is longing. The men shout as they drive the cattle into the river, rest awaits on the bank beyond. No longer is dust flying but water droplets, turning the once choking dust on the animals backs into harmless mud. The calves, wary of the water, freeze with fear until the men crack their whips. Lunging into the water, they finally face their fear and swim across to while their mothers look on in worry. After the last calf has crossed, the men swim beside their horses to the opposite bank. Camp is quickly made and the next priority is food. Supper calls with hunger pains and crackling fires can soon be seen dotting the dusky landscape. Darkness soon settles over the tired travelers and as the men recline with stomachs full, a fiddle softly begins to play. A harmonica joins in mid song adding to the lullaby. The soft, mournful tune lulls the men into pleasant slumber as the coals from the fire mirror the sparkling stars up above.

This speaks

Andy Gullahorn - Burning bushes

This song speaks so much. "Looking up to heaven for a sign." Hope this works from this website.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." 
— Theodore Roosevelt

Guess What World?!?!?

Oh my goodness!!!! I'm so ecstatic! My mom is ENGAGED!!!! I can't keep my excitement in and had to write a blog about it at 0030 even though tomorrow is a work day. Sleep will not come for a while so I might as well write about it. My mom is the most amazing mom in the world and also my best friend. She deserves all the happiness in the world and her fiance (so weird to say that, hehe mom's fiance) is amazing. Sigh... I am content and uber excited!!! :-D

In honor of the Rain

Rain is one of my most favorite things in the world. Even though it is causing so much flooding around these parts at least on the bright side it is lulling me to sleep with the pitter patter of its footsteps on my roof.

This is an epic song about the rain. If I could tap dance, I would want to do it in the rain. Watch this, it makes me laugh every time! ;-D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1ZYhVpdXbQ

Family

Warning... since this was written at about 0000 it may be somewhat rambly. Now, I have sufficiently warned you and may now continue.

After a terrible day of work... a day where you just have to throw up your hands, laugh at the pure insanity of the situation and pray that no one sues you, I made my way home to family. Work can be very grating on ones self esteem. The minute you think you have the hang of something, someone knocks you back down and this failure gets added to the memories which help to remind you to not make that mistake again.  Thankfully, family is always there to pick you up as soon as you fall down.

My family has been so busy recently with life that very rarely do we all get to be together but tonight was one of the glorious nights where we got to just chill together (plus mom's bf Kenny). We all helped make fajitas and then gathered on the couches in the living room, including the cat, to partake in our tasty handiwork. After the meal was finished we gathered around the piano for some hymns. Have you ever really read the words of hymns? Truly inspired. It was a beautiful reminder of old times, singing round the piano and playing hymnbook roulette (I had to play whatever song was opened to and the family had to sing it). After the singing finished, we moved back to the couch where mom began reading the Bible which invoked discussion until late.

What a beautiful thing God has created in family. The older I get the more my family means to me. Little things like painting my mom's toes or talking until the wee hours of the morning. My brother calling me a hippy after seeing me sitting on my bedroom floor painting or laughing together at 1950's Folgers commercials. Driving to see my dad, grandparents and aunt out in the middle of nowhere and reveling in the natural beauty of my childhood stomping grounds. I want these memories to last a lifetime. Each memory chiseled into my brain. I love my friends dearly but family... sigh, they are my world. I am scared of the future without them being at my side 24/7, but each one of us are coming to a crossroads. I know that it's almost time to take hold of my independence and run with it. To travel the world, step into the unknown. It's terrifying. I can't stand to leave home without them yet to stay where I am is out of the question. As freedom begins to pound on the door so does the realization that I am just a water droplet in the billions of people on this planet. Disappearing into the masses would be simple, easily forgotten by all but... family. Reality, most friendships fade in and out, twisting through time as each life changes, but family stays. In fact, they really can't get rid of you and are pretty much stuck with all of your idiosyncrasies. Yet they love you. Sigh... I love my family.

I guess this is just a realization that is sinking in and writing helps me release thoughts that are only just forming.

What do you want the Lord to do for you?

During the day, I will sometimes pick up my Bible or devotional see what God has to say to me. So often I feel that I don’t listen but instead do all the talking. In fact, I feel that I always do the talking and never let God get a word in edgewise. I want that to change. Saying that is kind of an oxymoron considering the topic of this blog but it's still really good. Anyways, today I picked up... Who can guess? Yes, My Utmost for His Highest and randomly opened to February 29. Here it is. Maybe it will speak to you as it did me. 

“Lord, that I may receive my sight.” Luke xviii. 41

What is the thing that not only disturbs you but makes you a disturbance? it is always something you cannot deal with yourself. “They rebuked him that he should hold his peace... but he cried so much the more.” Persist in the disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself; do not deify common sense. When Jesus asks us what we want Him to do for us in regard to the incredible thing with which we are faced, remember that He does not work in common-sense ways, but in super natural ways. 

Watch how we limit the Lord by remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past: I always failed there, and I always shall; consequently we do not ask for what we want, “It is ridiculous to ask God to do this.” If it is an impossibility, it is the thing we have to ask. If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. God will do the absolutely impossible. 

This man received his sight. The most impossible thing to you is that you should be so identified with the Lord that there is nothing of the old life left. He will do it if you ask Him. But you have to come to the place where you believe Him to be Almighty. Faith is not in what Jesus says but in Himself; if we only look at what He says we shall never believe. When once we see Jesus, He does the impossible thing as naturally as breathing. Our agony comes through the willful stupidity of our own heart. We won’t believe, we won’t cut the shore line, we prefer to worry on. 

Frustration with a capital F

In an effort to combat my frustration caused by this little thing called indecision, I am writing a blog so that 1. I won't have to decide at the moment (procrastination rocks :-D) 2. Hopefully quotes that I can look at frequently will help give me the courage to make the decision 3. I can't think of another reason at the moment. 


Now for some quotes (aren't they the greatest) about decisions. 
"Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach." ~Tom Robbins 


"A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follow public opinion." ~Chinese Proverb


"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your lire; and the procedure, the process is its own reward." ~Amelia Earhart


"I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."  (just one of my favorite authors, had to put it in)
— C.S. Lewis


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. ~Robert Frost


"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. "
~Napoleon Bonaparte

1 Corinthians 1:20-31

"Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ²¹ For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. ²² Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, ²³ but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, ²⁴ but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. ²⁵ For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength."

 ²⁶ Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷ But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸ God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰ It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. ³¹ Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord."

This encourages me. We can do nothing in our own wisdom or strength but there is Someone who fills in for our own weakness and ignorance. I like that. 

Nashville to Atlanta to Ontario

       Sometimes airlines confuse me. Example: it cost more money to fly from Atlanta to Ontario, CA then it does from Nashville but there is a layover in Atlanta when you fly through Nashville. Does this make any sense? No. Airports are probably one of my favorite places to be. They are the hub of awesomeness. It's so interesting to just sit and watch people walking through the airport. Men and women in uniform being sent to different parts of the world, children trying to act grown-up by pulling their own little Barbie or Cars suitcases, muslim women with brightly colored hijabs, the list could go on for literally ever. Where are each of them going? Are the going for a wedding, a funeral, a vacation? I have decided that if I were to have a superpower it would be to be in two places at once. My other self would fly right alone with someone else to their country and experience their life while the my self back in the states could be visiting friends, traveling etc.
      Another reason I like flying is because you meet very interesting people. On my flight from Nashville to Atlanta (ridiculous), I sat next to a Canadian composer who lives/works in Nashville. He was just writing a song for Rascal Flatts. Pretty awesome! He also explained to me how the composing process works nowadays. It is truly amazing what technology has done for the music industry. He also told me that he made music for a lot of the television shows and also for the olympics. Do I believe all this? Probably. Another topic that he also came back to was his cats. He had 3 of them and he loved them a whole lot from the amount that he talked about them. He also loved tennis. It's so interesting to see how much you can learn about a person in about an hour and a half.  On the next flight I sat next to a man who had just gone to his son's military graduation in North Carolina. He was so proud. I slept most of that trip though because my 3 hours of sleep the night before caught up to me.
      Here is just one more reason to love airlines (add sarcasm). On arriving in Ontario, I sadly discovered that my baggage had flown the coop and decided to visit my seat partners military son in North Carolina. It was a most frustrating experience and I was almost in tears from lack of sleep/utter frustration but I called my brother who gave me a little pep talk and the tears dissolved as if by magic. I am going to take this moment to say, I LOVE YOU WESLEY. Thank God for amazing brothers. After that the Brockmann's arrived and my week of fun in California begun with a little fruit basket and a peeling water bottle.

Talents

Playing the piano, singing, reading or eating at fast rates of speed, whistling, having compassion, having brains, painting, these are all random types of talents. Each of us have been given random different talents that makes us individuals. They help define who we are. Over and over I hear, "use your talents for God." Though I don't know how eating quickly would help God, but who knows...
What if someone does not know their what their talents are? Honestly, I view myself as mediocre in really just about every aspect of life. This really doesn't bother me (ok maybe a little), but I really wish that I knew how God wanted to use me. It may just be a part of finding yourself. The constant search for who you are and what God made you to be. Or it may be that if you are just willing God will use one of the talents you never thought He would pick. Is He waiting for the perfect moment for us to become who He wants? Or is He just waiting for us to be willing? Will He reveal it to us when we aren't looking? Sigh... The mystery of life.

Random Summer Pics

Sunset Camp (my family's camp on Raquette Lake, NY)

Cousin Morgan and my brothers

My brother and I after hiking

View from Sunset Camp

Seaton Lake, BC

A random river on the way to Whistler

My crazy family at Wes's graduation at Fountainview Acadmey in BC

An experiment which ended in failure