Love. This.

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry

Life and Death

            Over the past few months, I have realized how incredibly close God can be. I have no doubt of what a caring and amazing God we serve. I have gone through most of my life just trusting that God was there, by my side, being my silent protector and savior. Losing my Dad was seriously the hardest thing that I have ever gone through but God was so close. I knew that He was there not only with Dad through his pain and confusion, but that He literally was there every time my sorrow became to great to handle, every time I cried.
            For the longest time I always wondered how Solomon could say that, "The day of death is better than the day of birth." I understand now. In my Dad's case, the fight has been won and his is suffering over. I have never been so completely crushed and yet so relieved at the same time that death came when it did. Nothing can explain how awful it is seeing someone you love slowly slip away, becoming so helpless. I am a fixer and I couldn't fix it. Nothing... but just sit there watching. Death is, in a way, the most merciful thing that God has ever created. Though dad didn't get his wish to live to my wedding, I can see God's perfect timing throughout the past few months. He truly is an incredible God.
           Dad won the battle, Satan lost, God triumphed. Heaven cannot come soon enough! I miss dad so much.

What If?

Why is it that the past always seems to creep up and make you wonder what could have happened? These moments bring up memories, bringing doubt into the present and future. God works in mysterious ways and regardless of the what if's I know that He must have it under control.

Procrastination

       In an effort to prolong the inevitable huge pharmacology project that is due tomorrow, I found myself staring at a blog long forgotten. You know how it is when procrastination hits... You find two sources that look good enough and then go to facebook, then one more source and you have done enough to give yourself a small break or at least that's how it is with me, especially after working three night shifts in a row. That last fact, in itself, equals zero motivation. So, here I sit looking back at the past few months of no blogging and realizing how much has changed. It's a ton. Where to even start...
        The main reason blogging slowed was due to a certain boy that stepped into my life, Shaun Johnson. Well, really  "Scrambled" his way into my life after beating me terribly at every single round of that game. I still don't think that I have won yet... That's sad... We began talking on there, it moved to facebook, to the phone and to in-person. Ever since it moved to the in-person part we have been inseparable except for one week that I went to Lake Powell with the fam. He is seriously the best boyfriend I could ever ask for and I always wondered if it would happen. God answers prayers ten times more and possibly a thousand times more than you could ever ask for. Remember all those posts about waiting that I blogged? Well, I waited... very impatiently might I add and it was totally worth every single minute of the wait. Sigh... God is amazing. Aspects that only crossed my mind as "that would be nice"are what he has. For example, he's Canadian, draws amazingly/designs houses/builds, is a country boy (not redneck mind you, but sophisticated country ;-) ), loves being in the middle of nowhere, is a little bit crazy, is going to be a nurse, the list seriously could go on for pages. I like him.
       Another change is that I got a new job and am now leaving that one after deciding that I want to do something different with my life. ICU is great but the days and no weekend shifts trumps the ICU, so the OR at Erlanger has found itself a new nurse.
       I am also living on my own... Who would have thought that Alex Mayes would ever move out of the house and live on her own. Um... not me but it finally happened and with it has come a constant stress of where money will come from and what to eat for the next meal. The past week this is what my meals at home have consisted of; oatmeal, fruit, tomatoes, cream puffs and italian ice. This is now down to just oatmeal and tomatoes. You ask why I don't go buy any? Well, the blessed event of shopping will occur Friday, payday.
       Ok, but now that I have procrastinated long enough there has to be some work accomplished or I will be failing a class and losing a ton of money. So until next time!

Alison Krauss

So, this really started years ago when I found an Alison Krauss CD hidden away in my aunt's top dresser drawer that I was either cleaning or just meddling in. I took it, after asking, snuck it unto my room and then sat alone in my room listening for hours, playing the songs over and over. She was my first country singer favorite and really still is. This love of Alison Krauss survived my family's ridicule, so it is a true love. My mother questions if I was really born into the right family considering they all have a hissy fit when I turn country music on. Above all however my brother hates Alison Krauss and every time I turn her music on he starts baaing like a sheep because this is what he thinks she sounds like. She doesn't...

Last Saturday night, my step-dad Kenny took us all out for a surprise. He is incredibly secretive about his surprises and only my mom was aware of it. We drove downtown with anticipation, walked a couple of blocks and much to my surprise (my brother's horror), we stood in front of the Tivoli where Alison Krauss and Union Station were playing. Dream come true! I did however feel horrible for my poor brother who is very open minded about music but has stayed true to his hatred of Alison Krauss.

The concert was incredible! They played songs that I have known since I was little and every time I would hit mom and say "I love this song!" She sings a song that I want played at my wedding during our first dance called "When You Say Nothing At All." It was even more beautiful in person! She not only sings amazing but plays the fiddle like none other and I came away wanting to take up violin lessons. The best song of the night was a newer one and it will be at the bottom of the blog for your enjoyment.

I went from being ecstatic inside to looking over at my brother and feeling remorseful about my excitement. We also happened to be sitting next to a very diehard fan who would glare at those taking pictures, shake his head when my brother took out his phone and play all the tunes on his legs with his fingers while humming along. Needless to say, my brother couldn't even entertain himself with his cell phone. I think he ended up liking it by the end however and mom was hooked when Alison (first name basis) sang a religious song to end the concert. Listen to it, it's amazing as well and will be at the bottom of the blog too. It was an uber epic evening!!!

Here are just a few of my favorite songs!

April 5

I have this EGW devotional that I am not so good at reading consistently, but today I picked it up and flipped to today's date. It was totally what I needed to hear. Here it is. Hope you get as much out of it.

         "What said Christ to the Samaritan women at Jacob's well?... 'Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: but whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life' (John 4:13, 14).
          The water to which Christ referred was the revelation of His grace in His Word. His spirit, His teaching, His love is as a satisfying fountain to every soul. Every other source to which men resort proves unsatisfying; but the Word of truth is as cool streams, represented as the waters of Lebanon which are always satisfying. In Christ is fullness of joy forevermore. The pleasure and amusements of the world are never satisfying, or healing to the soul but Jesus says, 'Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life.'
        Christ's gracious presence in His Word ever speaks to the soul, representing Him as the well of living water to refresh the thirsting. It is our privilege to have a living, abiding Savior. He is the source of spiritual power in us, and His influence will flower forth in words and actions that will refresh all within the sphere of our influence, begetting in them desires and aspirations for strength and purity, for holiness and peace, for that joy which brings no sorrow with it. Such an experience will be the result of having Christ as an indwelling Savior.
     Jesus walked once a man on earth, His divinity clothed with humanity, a suffering, tempted man, beset with Satan's devices... Now He is at the right hand of God, He is in heaven as our Advocate, making intercession for us. We must always take comfort and hope as we think of this. He is thinking of those who are subject to temptations in this world. He thinks of us individually, and knows our every necessity. When tempted, just say, He cares for me, He makes interecession for me, He loves me, He has died for me. I will give myself unreservedly to Him.
       We grieve the heart of Christ when we go mourning over ourselves as though we were our own Savior. No; we must commit the keeping of our souls to God as unto a faithful Creator. He ever lives to make intercession for the tried, temped ones. Open your heart to the bright beams of the Sun of Righteousness, and let not one breath of doubt, one word of unbelief, escape your lips, lest you sow the seeds of doubt. There are rich blessings for us; let us grasp them by faith, I entreat you to have courage in the Lord. Divine strength is ours, and let us talk courage and strength and faith."

Waiting

        I think that possibly the most difficult thing in my life is waiting. It's something that God is always drilling into me. Wait, wait, wait... In the past I have looked at waiting in a different view. Waiting on God to bring me the right person. I've always looked at those waiting verses in that way, maybe because it was my focus. Finding the right person and settling down. Something hit me today as I was reading Isaiah 64:4 which says,

      "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."

        It was such a beautiful passage and as I was sitting on my bed I realized my focus has slowly switched. I am no longer waiting for the right person but I think I am waiting for God. Not the effects of what God can give me if I follow Him, like a husband or success, but truly just waiting for Him to make something beautiful of my life. I want so desperately to have a life of meaning not just an existence filled with what I said in my last post, the "American dream." I am living it but am not satisfied with it. It's a live of taking for yourself and not reaching out to others. This must change. I can live in a shack for all I care but I just want to be satisfied with my life knowing that I am where God wants me.  To have a relationship with God that nothing can shake. More than anything I want it and I want to want it more. I have to learn to look for what God is teaching me in the waiting times of my life and be satisfied with where He has put me at this moment. I see Him leading vaguely, through a veil, and I must cling to this vision regardless of where the meandering, learning path of God's will takes me.

"When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision He has given if you will wait His time." Oswald Chambers

"The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them they would be too many to declare." Psalm 40:5

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

"We are calling out in the thick of the war, I am standing down to fight for something more." Humanity- Tim Be Told