A Mother's Perspective

Floundering... That's what I feel like I am doing presently. On the outside and to everyone else it may seem that I am living the so called "American Dream." I have a good, steady job, I am single without a lot of money going out except to pay off loans, my family is supportive, I have tons of friends, and yet with all of this I am still searching... It's exhausting to try to fill the black hole of the soul.

I am frustrated with my lukewarm attitude about my relationship with God. I either want to leave the church entirely or have a relationship with God that separates me from the world. I am so tired of fitting in with the worlds standards and still pretending to have God. You can't tell a difference between most Adventists and everyone else. I feel that I am turning into what I have always fought against. I want to want God. I want to feel Him near. I must fight, refusing to give up because He has never given up on me.

I didn't realize what my frustration with life surrounded until talking to my mom the other day as the tears trickled down my cheeks. What is it about mother's that brings so much clarity to life? She said something that will stay with me to the day I die, "Alex, you will never be satisfied with the American way of life, with a husband who works a normal job, who provides enough money for a house where you raise a family, live on a little country street and have a typical American life. I know you, YOU will never be satisfied with the American Dream. Some people may be satisfied but you will not."

This reality took a little bit to sink in but I realized that my mother has read me correctly.

Tough Mudder

Notice the oblivious happy smiles

For some reason I had this bright idea that doing a tough mudder was a good plan. Ahad invited me and since my brother rejected me it became a reality with the handing over of more than one hundred green papers to the Tough Mudder peeps. Since Ahad, Chris and Ron were unable to get any other girls stupid enough to do the race, I was stuck with three boys... which really is not as bad as one would think.

The training process begun but ended soon after due to the fact that my mother's wedding is taking up much of my time. For some reason not being in the greatest shape was of little concern and only about 15 minutes before the race started did I begin to regret this very important aspect of the race... the ability to actually do it.

It just happened to be the coldest it has been in a very long time... A sunny but 25 degree morning when we started the race. Armed with spandex and two GoPro cameras we set off not knowing quite what to expect but we quickly found out. The first obstacle was military crawling under barbed wire, next was jumping into a tank of ice water. Chris banged his head on a chunk of ice coming out from under the water. Seriously, it made you realize you have never been in cold water before. Your lungs felt like they were collapsing and you couldn't breathe for a while. Climbing hay bales, inclined monkey bars (failure on my part), knee deep mud, logs to carry, 11 miles to run, getting over a half pipe, walking over water on 1 inch boards, a 15 foot jump into water and a electric shock to run through just to give you something to look forward to at the end.

Now notice the exhausted, yet "tough" looks of triumph
on our faces. Yes sir we beat it!

 Surprisingly the pain, torn up legs, exhaustion, mud, frigid temperatures were all worth it. Though it may have been stupid, it was probably one of the greatest things I've ever done. Thanks boys for all the encouragement, help and amazing friendship that you guys have given me. Best teammates ever! 

Mom and Kenny

February 19, 2012

That Guy

"Me on the other hand I can write somebody off
Like the last check for a student loan
I can love when it's convenient
But it's not always convenient
It's not always the easy road
I want to look past the outside to the well-meaning heart
To the good they forgot that they had
Teach me to love, teach me to love
Teach me to love like that."

Calenders

Pictures filled with memories... It's a beautiful thing to remember those moments forever captured by the camera shutter.  Memories stream from the pictures, repainting the portraits lining the walls of the mind with watercolors. Gazing down the hallways the years seem to dance, creating a picture that can only be adequately relived by person who has walked the hallways before. Moments pass while gazing at the finished pictures.

A 180 brings a sight unable to be described. A painter walks before, splashing with His paintbrush colors from the past but no picture can be seen in the chaos found there. Cautiously walking through the hallway, the walls on either side become clear. A girl laying on a couch typing on a computer, a man snoring, midnight blue sky with brilliant stars showing the way to heaven. He was painting oh so slowly, running made no difference in the stroke marks of the brush. Stopping made no difference either for the strokes just continued at the same pace. 

Who was this Painter and what picture was He going to paint around the next bend? A fear for the future crept in and a stroke of grey was painted. Forcing a smile a bright sunshiny yellow marking was added, contrasting the grey. A laugh produced an explosion of colors with a rainbow spectrum. The Painter kept diligently painting reactions, moments that would soon become memories. A longing to know the future swelled and burst from the lips of the girl who walked the halls, breaking the silence that reigned except for the brush moving against the whitewashed walls. No amount of prodding could produce an answer to the question but with a quick flick of the wrist He wrote with penmanship more delightful than ever, "Commit your way to Me, trust in Me and I will do this..." The walls immediately were transformed from whitewash to brilliant yellow, lighting up the darkened hallway ahead. A gasp escaped her lips producing a smile from the Painter as He turned to continue His masterpiece. 

Faith

Once again here is an excerpt from my Utmost for His Highest. So much of Oswald Chambers writings so inspirational that they have to be shared.

"He went out, not knowing whither he went." Hebrews 11:8

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading. It is a life of faith not of intellect and reason, but a life of knowing Who makes us "go." The root of faith is the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest snares is the idea that God is sure to lead us to success... The life of faith is not a life of mounting up with wings, but a life of walking and not fainting. It is not a question of sanctification; but of something infinitely further on than sanctification, of faith that has been tried and proved and has stood the test. Abraham is not a type of sanctification, but a type of the life of faith, a tried faith built on a real God. 'Abraham believed God.'"

"Fill Me, Our Earnest Plea"

     This year, well really last now, our family went to GYC for the first time. It was about the Holy Spirit, truly an uplifting and a spiritually reviving way to start out the New Year. Pretty sure that GYC will happen again for us. Honestly, if anyone reads this blog, go to GYC. Next December it's in Seattle and they are just starting one in Austria this summer. It's so amazing to visit people of the same faith from all over the world who are on fire for God or are desperately wanting to be in my case. It really is a little like heaven. We all are there because of our love for God and to learn more about Him. It was four days full to the brim with meetings by David Asscherick, Ivor Myers, Jeffery Rosario, Doug Bachelor, Ron Clouzet and others preaching about the Holy Spirit. I went to David Asscherick and Jeffery Rosario because they make me think. I wasn't disappointed. It answered so many questions of mine about the Holy Spirit. Absolutely incredible!
      One of the days you go door to door offering Bible studies. I am not huge on door to door ministry because I feel like I am invading personal space. If it were me I wouldn't want someone knocking on my door. Thankfully, I went with a guy who had done a lot of door to door evangelism so he talked and I prayed. Anyway, with everyone doing outreach, over 2,500 people asked for Bible studies and over 23,500 doors were knocked on. Isn't that incredible and 3 of those were me and my buddy Josh! There were so many incredible stories that came from the outreach also.
     Something that hit me at these meetings was that people were excited about God. I want to be excited about God. I want to be filled so full to the brim with God's love that it spills out of me, unable to keep it in. I'm so tired of cultural Adventism with no vibrance but just living the typical lifestyle and seeing how much we can push the limits while still being considered Adventist. We "Have a form of godliness, but deny the power thereof." (2 Tim 3:5) I do the same thing and desperately want that to change. So many times I feel like it's harder to live among Adventists and stick up for what I believe is wrong than to be with Non-Adventists. Not drinking, what I put into my mind, etc... It's exhausting but with perseverance comes strength and boy, I am holding onto that hope that eventually it will become easier. It's so frustrating feeling alone in your beliefs with most of your friends, though it is getting better.
     This has now become an "Alex venting her feelings blog..." moving on. In this New Year, even though you probably didn't go to GYC think about your walk with God. What is it lacking and what is hindering it from being fantastic? What if God comes and we don't know Him or have done nothing to win souls for the kingdom? What can we do for God this year in between our hectic school and work filled lives? We must do something, anything so he can come back soon. Pray like you never have before.