Floundering... That's what I feel like I am doing presently. On the outside and to everyone else it may seem that I am living the so called "American Dream." I have a good, steady job, I am single without a lot of money going out except to pay off loans, my family is supportive, I have tons of friends, and yet with all of this I am still searching... It's exhausting to try to fill the black hole of the soul.
I am frustrated with my lukewarm attitude about my relationship with God. I either want to leave the church entirely or have a relationship with God that separates me from the world. I am so tired of fitting in with the worlds standards and still pretending to have God. You can't tell a difference between most Adventists and everyone else. I feel that I am turning into what I have always fought against. I want to want God. I want to feel Him near. I must fight, refusing to give up because He has never given up on me.
I didn't realize what my frustration with life surrounded until talking to my mom the other day as the tears trickled down my cheeks. What is it about mother's that brings so much clarity to life? She said something that will stay with me to the day I die, "Alex, you will never be satisfied with the American way of life, with a husband who works a normal job, who provides enough money for a house where you raise a family, live on a little country street and have a typical American life. I know you, YOU will never be satisfied with the American Dream. Some people may be satisfied but you will not."
This reality took a little bit to sink in but I realized that my mother has read me correctly.
I've had an emptiness in my life so much, and I've tried to fill it with so many things. However, when I surrender what I want in life to God, my life is so much better. I can remember countless times when my mom was there to knock some sense into my head. I pray God will give you some fulfillment today.
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